Deschool Yourself: 10 Rules to Raise Terrific Kids

By Dr. Laura Markham of AhaParenting.com, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia University. But she's also a mom, so she translates proven science into the practical solutions you need for the family life you want.

Research shows that the kids who act most ethically come from families with strong values, lots of discussion, and -- surprise! -- fewer rules! That's because when kids just get used to following rules, they aren't thinking. If, instead, parents role model behavior that expresses their values, children come to value those things -- and they act accordingly.

So it isn't the rules we give our children that matter most; it's our role modeling and the constant discussion of values and principles in our home. In fact, I think kids really only need one rule, which is basically the Golden Rule: Treat others, and ourselves, with kindness and respect.

But there are some rules that are really helpful in raising caring, responsible, happy children. Those rules are for us as parents. I've condensed them to the ten most helpful reminders I know.

1. The most important parenting commitment: Be your child's advocate and don’t give up on him. You don't yell at a flower that isn't thriving, you water it. Appreciate who your child is and respond to what she needs, not what you think she should need. Every child deserves at least one person who is 110% on their side.

2. The most important parenting skill: Manage yourself. Take care of yourself so you aren’t venting on your child. Intervene before your own feelings get out of hand. Keep your cup full. The more you care for yourself with compassion, the more love and compassion you'll have for your child. Remember that your child will do every single thing you do, whether that's yelling or making self-disparaging remarks about your body.

3. The most important parenting secret: Discipline, despite all the books written on it, doesn’t work. Punishment always worsens your child's behavior. Avoiding it is the most important thing you can do to raise children who are responsible and considerate. Instead of punishment, guide kindly and set limits on behavior but always empathize with feelings, including the feelings your child has about the limits you set. Both empathy and guidance/limits are essential, neither by itself is successful.

4. What kids need that no one tells you: A safe place to express feelings while you listen. If you want to raise a child who can manage his behavior, he first has to manage the emotions that drive that behavior. And if you want a child who can manage his emotions, he first needs to know he has a safe place (your arms) to cry and rage where he won't be shushed or told to calm himself. Laughter releases the same tensions as tears, so playing with children is also a terrific way to support them in expressing their fears and frustrations. Kids who get help with their big emotions when they're little learn to manage their own feelings (and therefore behavior) at an early age.

5. See it from your child's perspective --- and expect age appropriate behavior. Be reasonable. They're kids. Don’t expect perfection, from your kids or yourself, and keep your priorities straight. Your child is taking shape before your very eyes -- she's still developing, and she'll grow out of most of her inappropriate behavior. Her messy room matters much less than how she treats her little brother.

6. Don't take it personally. Whatever your child does, it will be a lot easier for you to respond productively if you avoid getting hooked. This isn't about you, it's about your child, who's an immature human doing his best to learn and grow, with your support. Cultivate a sense of humor. This will also help you avoid power struggles. No one wins a power struggle. Don't insist on being right; help them save face. When your buttons get pushed, use it as an opportunity to excavate that button (which is from your own childhood) so it isn't controlling you.

7. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. All misbehavior comes from basic needs that aren't met. Meet their needs for sleep, nutrition, chill-out time, cuddling, connection, fun and safety. Let kids know in advance the behavior you expect. Give them "scaffolding" -- teaching, little by little -- so they can manage what's expected of them. Children WANT to be successful. (If they don't, that's a relationship problem, not a behavior problem.)

8. Your child is your best teacher about what he or she needs, from infancy on. Listen more than you talk. Listen with your heart. Be willing to change and grow. Enjoy your child!

9. Embrace change. What worked yesterday will not work tomorrow, so your parenting strategies need to evolve as your kids do. Each of us seems to get the perfect child to learn whatever we need to know.

10. Stay Connected and never withdraw your love, even for a moment. The deepest reason kids cooperate is that they love you and want to please you. Above all, safeguard your relationship with your child. That's your only leverage to have any influence on your child. It's what your child needs most. And, let's face it, that closeness is what makes parenting worth it!

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